I lost my home internet last week. Not just for a day last week but for almost ALL of last week.

Yes, things were that bad.

 Day 1 without Internet:

Changing over internet service providers, that’s all. No big deal. Service will be up and running again in a day

Day 2 without internet:

So, still no connection. Does this company know that a day is only 24hrs long? Are they counting the days in tortoise hours, where everything moves really, really slow? Oh well, I do have my smart phone so it’s not THAT much of an emergency. I can read tweets and check yahoo.

Day 3 without internet:

I’m getting a headache from constantly staring at the teeny-tiny screen on my phone. Beginning to realise how important checking twitter feeds and facebook posts and emails has become to me. Start to wonder if I should be concerned about this dependence. Vow to google question: “ how do you know when you’re addicted to the Internet?”—just as soon as I have access to the web again (irony? What irony?)

Day 4 without internet:

Dear Internet Service Provider Man,

I received your email inquiring as to whether I was satisfied with my recent service experience. I am responding to let you know that, sure, I’m happy. As happy as Katie Holmes during a Tom Cruise movie marathon, and by that I mean I’m not FUCKING HAPPY. You and me have what you might call ‘irreconcilable differences’. To clarify: You think you have hooked up my internet, but I am of the opinion that you have, er, not. So my recent service experience has entailed receiving no service at all. It has sucked dead dingoes dongers. I have no internet at my house. I have been staring at a 4 inch screen all week and everything else in the world is starting to look really, really big by comparison. I watched a movie on my TV last night and I thought I was at the fucking cinema. Which would be great, except I’m now dieting so that means no popcorn for me. Oh joy. No fucking popcorn and no fucking internet.

So in summary, get my fucking internet up and running ASAP. Or at least send me some fucking popcorn.

Signed,

Sami ‘Do you realise I’m waiting on news from an editor?’ Lee

Day 5 without internet:

Who’s children are those? When did I have children? Oh well, no internet, so I suppose I can play with the children.

Day 6 without internet:

What? A service person is coming around to the house to fix the problem with the internet? Hmm, just when I was getting into the Tinkerbell game and playing I Spy. And here he comes with the questions. ‘What sort of splitter cable do you have?’, ‘What’s your usual bandwidth?’, and ‘What’s your user key and passcode?’. My shoulders are starting to hurt from all the shrugging. My feminist ideals shrink to the size of a pea when I’m forced to declare, ‘My husband usually does all this stuff’. Germaine Greer would be so proud. It was probably apropos that I was wearing fluffy slippers and herding kids like cattle when he came to the door. Ah, the little woman, doesn’t have a clue about this technology business. *head pat*

But what do I care what he thinks of me? My ignorance compelled the man called Brian to fix it all for me, didn’t it? Hubby said I should play dumb more often.

It’s so cute that he thought I was playing.

Cheers,

Sami

(Who’s just glad to be back online)

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